Cracked
by Sora Livana
Summary: Looks like Mustang's subordinates have been up to something, and where IS Havoc? A short, humourous, oneshot based around life at Central HQ. Please read and review!


**A/N: Just a quick story that came to me, and I just had to write it down!**

**Another Note: In the anime, this is based after the episode in whick Yoki loses his job. It doesn't really have any relevance, but it explains the ranking I have given them.**

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**Cracked**

It was a quiet day at Central Headquarters, as the many military personnel went silently about their own business, craving the time upon which their shift finally ended so that they could go out and enjoy the summer weather. As this was Central, the unpredictability of the weather meant that you really had to make the most of good weather while it lasted; sunny days were notorious for ending with loud and theatrical thunderstorms.

Riza Hawkeye walked into her superior's office with yet another pile of paperwork for him to complete. Ignoring the pleading look he gave her as she walked across the room and dumped them unceremoniously onto his desk, she quickly exited again, ignoring his sighs of misery and the quiet grumbling to which he was partaking beneath his breath. As she left, she could hear him hurriedly begin to sign them, not even taking the time to read them beforehand.

Walking over to her desk, she narrowed her eyes at the motley group of men in the one corner of the room, muttering amongst themselves conspiratorially, completely oblivious to her presence. Clearing her throat loudly, she watched in satisfaction as they all jumped in terror, fleeing to the safety of their desks and resuming the paperwork that they had been given days before. Glancing around, she frowned, before sounding a question into the now relatively quiet room, silent besides the sound of pens scratching on paper.

"Where's Second Lieutenant Havoc?" They all looked up shiftily. Fuery looked scared, but Breda seemed hardly capable of containing his laughter. She narrowed her eyes at them in warning. Hastily, the red-haired man answered.

"He went out for a smoke." She stared at him irritably; slightly perturbed by the way he was acting, but glad that Havoc had gone outside for his smoke, and not in the office where the smell lingered for days. She didn't let him know that, though.

"And how exactly is that amusing, Second Lieutenant Breda?" She asked, deadly sweet. He choked in fear.

"Oh that… I mean… I mean, we were laughing about something else…" He looked around for reassurance from his fellow officers, but they refused to look at him. Quickly, he resumed scribbling onto the many pieces of paper, feeling the fear that Mustang had to deal with daily. He didn't say another word. Sighing deeply, she gave up trying to find out what was wrong, and sat down herself to do her paperwork. She hated having to always sound so formal towards them, but they didn't seem to listen to her otherwise…

Dreaming as she did her work, she couldn't wait for the day to end.

--

Maybe half an hour later, whilst they were all still working hard under the blonde Lieutenant's watchful eye, a slight disturbance could be heard down the hallway. She ignored it, and glared at the men as they turned their heads curiously in the direction of the noise. Forcing them to continue their long-overdue work, there was another noise a few minutes later, louder and closer than before.

Pushing herself to her feet angrily, Hawkeye went to find the cause of the disruption, and silence whom or what was responsible. Marching down the hallway in the direction of which it had come, nothing could prepare her for what she saw.

Nothing.

--

Mustang could hear several pairs of footsteps pounding down the hallway towards his office door, along with numerous horrified yells and petrified screams. Reaching into his pocket, he retrieved his gloves and hurriedly put them back in their rightful place on his hands, trying to prepare himself for whatever was coming his way. In the back of his mind, he couldn't help but wonder why Hawkeye hadn't already dealt with whomever it was, especially if they happened to be a threat…

The door swung open

He knew why soon enough.

--

Havoc thundered into Mustang's office, oblivious to the strangled cry escaping his superior. Above his head, like a flag, he waved the pants that he should have at that moment been wearing. Pursuing him was a very flustered Hawkeye, a look of horror on her usually composed face. He stopped abruptly in front of Mustang's desk, a smell of smoke wafting along with him. Mustang stared at him with a mixture of disgust and concern.

"Is something the matter, Lieutenant Havoc?" He enquired politely, hoping desperately that none of _his _superiors chose this moment to come and pay him a surprise visit, least of all the Fuhrer himself. He'd never live it down, and his career would be _ruined_… He acknowledged Riza who, panting slightly, pulled her gun out and pointed it at the out of control Lieutenant.

"Okay Jean, what the hell do you think you're playing at?" She demanded. She didn't lose her cool very often, but seeing Havoc like that was more than enough to send her into shock. He looked at her, and then the gun.

"Wha… that?" he asked vaguely, his voice slurred. Mustang raised his eyebrows.

"You're stoned off your rocker, aren't you?" There was a slight pause.

"… No." Havoc's face took on a slightly dazed look. Riza, remembering what had happened earlier, went over to Colonel Mustang and whispered something into her ear. His face darkening slightly, he took a deep breath.

"EVERYBODY GET IN HERE **AT ONCE**!" A few strangled gasps could be heard from the other room, then a loud noise as something was dropped, along with some clattering, and then silence. Complete silence. Going out to investigate, Hawkeye found no trace of Mustang's _former _subordinates. They had all fled the scene.

It was probably a good thing too; otherwise the military would have had the problem of getting rid of three bodies once Mustang had finished dealing with them. He was absolutely furious at them for swapping Havoc's cigarettes with crack…

And the military wondered why they were a laughing stock.

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**A/N: So, what do you think? I'm afraid that I'm no expert at humour, so its not brilliant...**

**Oh well, please read and review!**


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